how is it that i get so distracted, stay up so late, and yet, sometimes, in those hours where i’m least responsible, most-shirking of my work, i think the best thoughts, do the coolest things and feel most inspired about life? my cat is snoring. she is very cute. also, i’m hungry. granted, just now, not the most poetic, but i feel good about this evening. granted, i did no work and i am getting DREADFULLY behind on my project’s timeline (due Feb 16, I’m telling myself the 13th), but i chatted with an old bf who sometimes gives little nuggets of advice and encouragement, then we brainstormed hilarious names for his new website; i talked to my bff, tor, about various things, also receiving nuggets of advice and encouragement (she’s a lot more generous with hers than the old bf is with his); responded to 3 different emails / messages that i’d long put off; messaged a dude that i met once, was informed of a cool designer’s site, etc etc. i’m now tired (beyond that actually) and my eyes hurt, but things’ll be good.
also, i read bff’s blog, which i love doing. she told a wonderful tale of her adventures in babysitting her nephew. a v good read.
what now, brown cow? bed.
I don’t get it. I have gazillions of things to do. I feel a bit trapped in my own cage. I MUST get certain things done immediately. Others I’d very much like to get done as soon as possible. A few more are in the works, but not at the top of my priorities. I keep telling myself that as soon as I finish this stuff, I can lead a fun life and pursue my personal goals… but the life I’m trying to lead while working on this stuff is terrible. You see, I’m trying to maximize productive time for like a month or two to knock this shit out quickly… but instead I’m doing NOTHING. Not getting work done, not having fun, not pursuing goals. Literally nothing. But I don’t know what to do otherwise! I can’t justify going out and hanging out with people very much because I just really need to do work. I also can’t justify working on my own projects and goals until I get these commitments to others out of the way. So I’m trapped in my tower, trying to force myself to be productive, hoping that if I sit here long enough the work will somehow get done. The other problem is that I work 38+ hrs/week at normal, scheduled jobs, so when I’m at home / not otherwise working, it’s hard to muster yet another 20+ hours of work & concentration out of my already tired self. HELP!
A poem I wrote in high school:
the original, written 8 yrs ago.