Envisioning a new life. What I would want.
I want a job where I get to use my creativity, design and math/logic/problem solving skillzz. I want to work 9-5 mostly, and after work I want to go over to friends’ apts and cook dinners and go dancing at least one night a week. I want to go to a gym daily, preferably early-ish in the morning, and have a regular coffee shop where I eat breakfast and write letters to people and read the paper. I want to do artwork in the evening. I want to have a wide circle of friends and a few very very close ones. Some evenings I want to come home, listen to music, light a candle and take a relaxing bath.
I want to live in a simple apt. I want to have a bed, a bookshelf, a chair and a table. I want to have some houseplants and little adina with me. I want things to be clean and white and fairly simple. I do not want to have a car again until I’m married with several kids.
I’d like to have a very cool boyfriend. One who is not arrogant. One who appreciates my quirks without looking down on me. One who is funny and likes to play. I might like to be in a play someday, just for fun. I also would like to eventually own my own company / business and work in a coworking environment. I would like to have friends who can sit around and each work on their own things… though maybe that won’t be so necessary once I’m not juggling one million jobs and commitments and projects.
Eventually I would like to have a dog and to be in love again.
What if, for the first time in my adult life, I decided I was not somehow handicapped by depression and anxiety? What if I decided that I could do anything, handle anything, get through anything, take on any kind of lifestyle and live healthfully in it without ‘going insane’?
If I decide that, suddenly the whole world opens to me. Not just my little boring, predictable, easy life that I currently lead, but CHANGE. Change opens up to me. Right now I cannot face change because I fear that I can’t do it. If I let myself have this problem of depression and anxiety then I have excuses for when I fail, and worse, excuses for not even trying. “Don’t rock the boat. If things are going well, keep them the same. Let’s not risk upsetting myself.” But if I am never willing to get upset or scared then I will never GROW ever again. I have been somewhat stunted the past two years or so. Obviously not completely – I’ve grown in little ways, but those little successes should only teach me that I’m ready for bigger ones. I haven’t failed yet. Sure, there have been times where I might have done better, but again, not failures because they were attempts and because I didn’t give up. You haven’t failed until you have given up. If anything, my biggest failure of the past few years has been contentedness at my progress and timidity to do something bigger.
How do impressive people become impressive? They aim high, and they try. The end. So if I want to do cool things, instead of fearing that I’m not good enough or not sane enough or not smart enough, I should just start doing them. If I want to be a spontaneous, energetic, enthusiastic, brilliant person, then all I have to do is start doing things such a person would do… such as making a big decision and sticking to it.
How do I move in three weeks?