Monthly Archives: April 2011

wishes

everyday i check my email, hoping and wishing for some magic email from somebody that will change my life. i suppose i’m waiting for my fairy godmother. i open gmail with the tiniest hope and expectation of the unexpected that i once opened the mailbox with as a child – the way we all secretly hope for our letter from Hogwarts to arrive.

what if it did? what if i checked my email one day and there it was? a letter telling me i was magic! inviting me to come join a new world full of adventure and success, one where i didn’t have to worry about money – a world in which i could work hard doing the things i love, using my talents to stop evil and right wrongs worldwide. what does that look like? what does it take to receive one’s calling? in many ways, it is like a calling: a sudden understanding of what one is and what one wants to do.

i want mine.

if i list out my skills, interests and ideas on a sheet of paper, will a venn diagram determining my life’s mission suddenly emerge?

and what of anxiety? these days i feel that even when i’m motivated and have direction and feel like i know what i want, i then shrivel in a ball of anxiety. i’m not sure how to fix it. i’m not sure why it’s so hard for me. these days it’s even making me grumpy and angry. i want to lash out at those who are most helpful to me. i want to fight them and have the urge to yell at them for not being able to fix anything.

but instead i hide. and check my email repeatedly.

An unproductive day

It’s remarkable how much my productivity level varies in a day or two. Just a few days ago I accomplished so much! And now the past two days have produced next to nothing. Annoying. All my posts are about productivity and whether or not I feel like I’m accomplishing enough of my life goals fast enough. Okay also sidenote. I would like several Mac products: an iPhone. Yes, not sure where the maddening desire to own an iPhone has suddenly sprung from but by golly has it sprung with a passion! It’s silly but I just keep thinking about how great it would be to have such a useful phone. Bah. Okay I also want a MacBook air. I realize that’s somewhat silly as I have little to no use for one but they are delightfully small and light. Someday when it’s time to upgrade my Mac I may get a desktop and a laptop. But then again likely not because I like working not at home and a desktop is not good for working outside of the house. And an air isn’t as fast or roomy as a full laptop – nor does it have the screen real estate (which is most valuable when designing stuff and flipping between several apps and windows. It’s fun to just ramble-type. I didn’t realize that typing on such a thing could be so fun easy and satisfying because typing on the iPad isnt particularly great. Not bad but also just not great. Well I suppose thats plenty of typing for tonight. I’m making excessive amounts of errors now and getting a bit sleepy / bored. Goodnight world.