As my lovely boyfriend says, I am currently on “sabbatical”. It is the first time in my life that I have not had to be somewhere at a certain time nearly every day of the week, and I absolutely love it. Do I sit around and watch television? NO. Instead, I have learned stuff, worked on various art and freelance projects, read two books, and taken time to breathe.
Today I sit here, in my delightful bedroom, enjoying the color of the light. Outside feels like a spring day in January (terrifying, truly, but still pleasant to the senses). It poured a while ago, then the sun came out for a few minutes, and now a darkness has descended. Inside I have Christmas lights and a small desk lamp that illuminate the room with a soft white light. Somehow the lighting, like the day itself, is both ominous and hopeful, terrifying but comfortable. I love it.
some times are so surreal they cannot be put in words or any medium that will hold them down.
i sit here. i have been reading a friend’s lovely blog. so full of life. it is ripe like the smell of north carolina when i’ve been away – air full of sweet water.
it is hot. it is ten o’clock.
i don’t understand what i’m doing or why, but i am unconcerned. my weird roommate is playing delightful riffs on the piano. he is playing a lovely version of one of my favorite songs – one of the only songs i can sing to, truthfully – the night they drove old dixie down, which i had never heard a version of save for joan biaz’ a capella version of it. this one is jazzy and carries its weight with a light-hearted sound. that’s what i want to be. or maybe is what i am.
a weight that carries its pain with ease. because the pain is part of the life.
my work for tonight is living. sorry projects. some changes need to happen in my life. i am done waiting for the time when i finish all the tasks… it will never happen. so i’m signing off. no more of them. i shall find a job that i like but that i do not carry with me all the time.
a good night.
everyday i check my email, hoping and wishing for some magic email from somebody that will change my life. i suppose i’m waiting for my fairy godmother. i open gmail with the tiniest hope and expectation of the unexpected that i once opened the mailbox with as a child – the way we all secretly hope for our letter from Hogwarts to arrive.
what if it did? what if i checked my email one day and there it was? a letter telling me i was magic! inviting me to come join a new world full of adventure and success, one where i didn’t have to worry about money – a world in which i could work hard doing the things i love, using my talents to stop evil and right wrongs worldwide. what does that look like? what does it take to receive one’s calling? in many ways, it is like a calling: a sudden understanding of what one is and what one wants to do.
i want mine.
if i list out my skills, interests and ideas on a sheet of paper, will a venn diagram determining my life’s mission suddenly emerge?
and what of anxiety? these days i feel that even when i’m motivated and have direction and feel like i know what i want, i then shrivel in a ball of anxiety. i’m not sure how to fix it. i’m not sure why it’s so hard for me. these days it’s even making me grumpy and angry. i want to lash out at those who are most helpful to me. i want to fight them and have the urge to yell at them for not being able to fix anything.
but instead i hide. and check my email repeatedly.
It’s remarkable how much my productivity level varies in a day or two. Just a few days ago I accomplished so much! And now the past two days have produced next to nothing. Annoying. All my posts are about productivity and whether or not I feel like I’m accomplishing enough of my life goals fast enough. Okay also sidenote. I would like several Mac products: an iPhone. Yes, not sure where the maddening desire to own an iPhone has suddenly sprung from but by golly has it sprung with a passion! It’s silly but I just keep thinking about how great it would be to have such a useful phone. Bah. Okay I also want a MacBook air. I realize that’s somewhat silly as I have little to no use for one but they are delightfully small and light. Someday when it’s time to upgrade my Mac I may get a desktop and a laptop. But then again likely not because I like working not at home and a desktop is not good for working outside of the house. And an air isn’t as fast or roomy as a full laptop – nor does it have the screen real estate (which is most valuable when designing stuff and flipping between several apps and windows. It’s fun to just ramble-type. I didn’t realize that typing on such a thing could be so fun easy and satisfying because typing on the iPad isnt particularly great. Not bad but also just not great. Well I suppose thats plenty of typing for tonight. I’m making excessive amounts of errors now and getting a bit sleepy / bored. Goodnight world.
Envisioning a new life. What I would want.
I want a job where I get to use my creativity, design and math/logic/problem solving skillzz. I want to work 9-5 mostly, and after work I want to go over to friends’ apts and cook dinners and go dancing at least one night a week. I want to go to a gym daily, preferably early-ish in the morning, and have a regular coffee shop where I eat breakfast and write letters to people and read the paper. I want to do artwork in the evening. I want to have a wide circle of friends and a few very very close ones. Some evenings I want to come home, listen to music, light a candle and take a relaxing bath.
I want to live in a simple apt. I want to have a bed, a bookshelf, a chair and a table. I want to have some houseplants and little adina with me. I want things to be clean and white and fairly simple. I do not want to have a car again until I’m married with several kids.
I’d like to have a very cool boyfriend. One who is not arrogant. One who appreciates my quirks without looking down on me. One who is funny and likes to play. I might like to be in a play someday, just for fun. I also would like to eventually own my own company / business and work in a coworking environment. I would like to have friends who can sit around and each work on their own things… though maybe that won’t be so necessary once I’m not juggling one million jobs and commitments and projects.
Eventually I would like to have a dog and to be in love again.
What if, for the first time in my adult life, I decided I was not somehow handicapped by depression and anxiety? What if I decided that I could do anything, handle anything, get through anything, take on any kind of lifestyle and live healthfully in it without ‘going insane’?
If I decide that, suddenly the whole world opens to me. Not just my little boring, predictable, easy life that I currently lead, but CHANGE. Change opens up to me. Right now I cannot face change because I fear that I can’t do it. If I let myself have this problem of depression and anxiety then I have excuses for when I fail, and worse, excuses for not even trying. “Don’t rock the boat. If things are going well, keep them the same. Let’s not risk upsetting myself.” But if I am never willing to get upset or scared then I will never GROW ever again. I have been somewhat stunted the past two years or so. Obviously not completely – I’ve grown in little ways, but those little successes should only teach me that I’m ready for bigger ones. I haven’t failed yet. Sure, there have been times where I might have done better, but again, not failures because they were attempts and because I didn’t give up. You haven’t failed until you have given up. If anything, my biggest failure of the past few years has been contentedness at my progress and timidity to do something bigger.
How do impressive people become impressive? They aim high, and they try. The end. So if I want to do cool things, instead of fearing that I’m not good enough or not sane enough or not smart enough, I should just start doing them. If I want to be a spontaneous, energetic, enthusiastic, brilliant person, then all I have to do is start doing things such a person would do… such as making a big decision and sticking to it.
How do I move in three weeks?
how is it that i get so distracted, stay up so late, and yet, sometimes, in those hours where i’m least responsible, most-shirking of my work, i think the best thoughts, do the coolest things and feel most inspired about life? my cat is snoring. she is very cute. also, i’m hungry. granted, just now, not the most poetic, but i feel good about this evening. granted, i did no work and i am getting DREADFULLY behind on my project’s timeline (due Feb 16, I’m telling myself the 13th), but i chatted with an old bf who sometimes gives little nuggets of advice and encouragement, then we brainstormed hilarious names for his new website; i talked to my bff, tor, about various things, also receiving nuggets of advice and encouragement (she’s a lot more generous with hers than the old bf is with his); responded to 3 different emails / messages that i’d long put off; messaged a dude that i met once, was informed of a cool designer’s site, etc etc. i’m now tired (beyond that actually) and my eyes hurt, but things’ll be good.
also, i read bff’s blog, which i love doing. she told a wonderful tale of her adventures in babysitting her nephew. a v good read.
what now, brown cow? bed.
I don’t get it. I have gazillions of things to do. I feel a bit trapped in my own cage. I MUST get certain things done immediately. Others I’d very much like to get done as soon as possible. A few more are in the works, but not at the top of my priorities. I keep telling myself that as soon as I finish this stuff, I can lead a fun life and pursue my personal goals… but the life I’m trying to lead while working on this stuff is terrible. You see, I’m trying to maximize productive time for like a month or two to knock this shit out quickly… but instead I’m doing NOTHING. Not getting work done, not having fun, not pursuing goals. Literally nothing. But I don’t know what to do otherwise! I can’t justify going out and hanging out with people very much because I just really need to do work. I also can’t justify working on my own projects and goals until I get these commitments to others out of the way. So I’m trapped in my tower, trying to force myself to be productive, hoping that if I sit here long enough the work will somehow get done. The other problem is that I work 38+ hrs/week at normal, scheduled jobs, so when I’m at home / not otherwise working, it’s hard to muster yet another 20+ hours of work & concentration out of my already tired self. HELP!
New to the blogosphere, new even still, to the world, it seems.
In need of a friend, I shall write to the invisible, hoping that somewhere out there is a listener.
My plan is to write (to myself I suppose), but pretending as if someone in the scary adult world is listening, wondering how the silly ins and outs of my day have gone, and glad to finally hear me tell all.
I plan to tell no one I know of the existence of such a public diary (of sorts), and I know of only a few people in the world whom I wouldn’t mind having as my audience here. One person I know will find this, and to her I extend an invitation to read and even comment, but only through this removed medium.
To anyone else, may you please know me not in the flesh, but enjoy the fresh ramblings of a child stuck in the world of adults!