Category Archives: Ramblings

Reflections

As I pack my belongings to move to a new apartment and begin a new job, entering upon a new phase of my life, I’m quite relishing the opportunity to reflect upon tidbits of my last lives as I sort them and pack them away.

I found a tiny notebook that I had titled “Progress”, within which I’ve captured glimpses of former selves, saved in quickly doodled sketches and poetic captions, each carefully dated for posterity. In stumbling upon this, I found it necessary to contribute a newest update, which I captioned: “Her wildest, happiest dreams come true after years of pursuit… she grins gratefully and begins packing her silly life treasures to begin the NEXT BIG ADVENTURE!”

In sorting my treasured scraps of paper, cards, letters and miscellaneous office supplies, I’ve stumbled upon notes from an old unhealthy work environment, countless to-do lists and goals written to myself, memories from past loves (both good and bad), and overwhelming evidence of the support and love in my life. I am grateful not only for where I’ve just landed but for all the crazy times I’ve had striving to attain this. You’ve come a long way, babe! Dreams come true, and I couldn’t be happier.

Hurrah! Blog Created.

Alright. I finally have my own blog, hosted on my own site, organized and beautified thanks to WordPress while still being entirely under my control, on my domain, etc. It’s only taken me… 3 years(?) to do this. I must say, WordPress has improved dramatically since I last attempted to do anything with it (about a year ago). It might also help that my php skills have also improved tremendously (as in, they have gone from zero to moderately-skilled). Alright. This is enough of a post for tonight. Perhaps I’ll go figure out WordPress for iPhone so I can upload pics with ease. Very good evening!

fleeting

some times are so surreal they cannot be put in words or any medium that will hold them down.

i sit here. i have been reading a friend’s lovely blog. so full of life. it is ripe like the smell of north carolina when i’ve been away – air full of sweet water.

it is hot. it is ten o’clock.

i don’t understand what i’m doing or why, but i am unconcerned. my weird roommate is playing delightful riffs on the piano. he is playing a lovely version of one of my favorite songs – one of the only songs i can sing to, truthfully – the night they drove old dixie down, which i had never heard a version of save for joan biaz’ a capella version of it. this one is jazzy and carries its weight with a light-hearted sound. that’s what i want to be. or maybe is what i am.

a weight that carries its pain with ease. because the pain is part of the life.

my work for tonight is living. sorry projects. some changes need to happen in my life. i am done waiting for the time when i finish all the tasks… it will never happen. so i’m signing off. no more of them. i shall find a job that i like but that i do not carry with me all the time.

a good night.

wishes

everyday i check my email, hoping and wishing for some magic email from somebody that will change my life. i suppose i’m waiting for my fairy godmother. i open gmail with the tiniest hope and expectation of the unexpected that i once opened the mailbox with as a child – the way we all secretly hope for our letter from Hogwarts to arrive.

what if it did? what if i checked my email one day and there it was? a letter telling me i was magic! inviting me to come join a new world full of adventure and success, one where i didn’t have to worry about money – a world in which i could work hard doing the things i love, using my talents to stop evil and right wrongs worldwide. what does that look like? what does it take to receive one’s calling? in many ways, it is like a calling: a sudden understanding of what one is and what one wants to do.

i want mine.

if i list out my skills, interests and ideas on a sheet of paper, will a venn diagram determining my life’s mission suddenly emerge?

and what of anxiety? these days i feel that even when i’m motivated and have direction and feel like i know what i want, i then shrivel in a ball of anxiety. i’m not sure how to fix it. i’m not sure why it’s so hard for me. these days it’s even making me grumpy and angry. i want to lash out at those who are most helpful to me. i want to fight them and have the urge to yell at them for not being able to fix anything.

but instead i hide. and check my email repeatedly.

BLOCK

I don’t get it. I have gazillions of things to do. I feel a bit trapped in my own cage. I MUST get certain things done immediately. Others I’d very much like to get done as soon as possible. A few more are in the works, but not at the top of my priorities. I keep telling myself that as soon as I finish this stuff, I can lead a fun life and pursue my personal goals… but the life I’m trying to lead while working on this stuff is terrible. You see, I’m trying to maximize productive time for like a month or two to knock this shit out quickly… but instead I’m doing NOTHING. Not getting work done, not having fun, not pursuing goals. Literally nothing. But I don’t know what to do otherwise! I can’t justify going out and hanging out with people very much because I just really need to do work. I also can’t justify working on my own projects and goals until I get these commitments to others out of the way. So I’m trapped in my tower, trying to force myself to be productive, hoping that if I sit here long enough the work will somehow get done. The other problem is that I work 38+ hrs/week at normal, scheduled jobs, so when I’m at home / not otherwise working, it’s hard to muster yet another 20+ hours of work & concentration out of my already tired self. HELP!

why not me?

Okay. Found a very cool blog called NerdFitness. It’s this dude that decided to get in shape, put his life together, follow his dreams, etc. Really great stuff. His writing style is fun and energetic and he says really simple yet powerful things. I’ll likely buy his Rebel Fitness Guide someday in the near future.

So here are my thoughts. I want to blog, daily. Oh gods, well, there are a LOT of things I want to do. You see, these days (the past few months, I think) I’ve felt ready for change. I remember feeling a year or so ago that change was coming – that I was going to have a revelation or something, and now that time has come. If I sit and think for ten minutes about life, I get overwhelmed with excitement about the possibilities that lie before me. It’s a great feeling – SO hopeful and energetic! The only problem is that the energies are so scattered that I freeze. I am so excited to go down a new road, but there are so many roads to choose from that I find myself stuck at the road-sign. Anyway, this blog post was inspired by reading a blog post on this NerdFitness site – it’s called “Wait a second… why not you?”. I suppose I ought to link to these for real. I should contact this guy – I think his name is Steve, and compliment him and thank him. He’s very inspiring – as is Chris of The Art of Non-Conformity. Maybe I will link to them eventually, but for now I’m going it alone.

You see, I am in the beginning stages of a transition. The transition is real, and it has already begun, but I’m not ready to announce it to the world and embrace it fully just yet. I feel I have a few more loose ends that must be tied up before I can launch myself up and out into the world – if I were to jump now, my shoe laces would likely get caught. But given a few more weeks, I’ll be ready. Stay tuned, Universe – I’m on my way!

So many thoughts, so little health.

Blogging time!
First off, I’d like to say that the new aesthetic is big and clean and simple, and I’m a big fan of it. Part of my appreciation for it is of course having been exposed to it – I often can’t help but love what I’m told to love. But then I wonder when and how I was told to like this style. I certainly don’t remember any specific sources advising me about what looks cool! How are such fads chosen and promoted?
Anyway, just a tiny post for this evening, as it hurts my eyes to even be open right now. Despite my genuine efforts to care for my health today, I fear I may be sick.

my goodness

How is it that I can spend so much time doing so little? I have been here at the computer for HOURS and have done nothing, figured out nothing. It’s like this huge mess of yarn that I am detangling. In both cases, I keep thinking I’m almost at a perfect solution – almost done untangling. But never. I work in circles. Frustrates the heck out of me. I put so much effort in to … I don’t even know.

greetings, my friend.

New to the blogosphere, new even still, to the world, it seems.

In need of a friend, I shall write to the invisible, hoping that somewhere out there is a listener.

My plan is to write (to myself I suppose), but pretending as if someone in the scary adult world is listening, wondering how the silly ins and outs of my day have gone, and glad to finally hear me tell all.

I plan to tell no one I know of the existence of such a public diary (of sorts), and I know of only a few people in the world whom I wouldn’t mind having as my audience here. One person I know will find this, and to her I extend an invitation to read and even comment, but only through this removed medium.

To anyone else, may you please know me not in the flesh, but enjoy the fresh ramblings of a child stuck in the world of adults!